by Jennifer M
(originally published in Currents February/March 2005, Children's Corner Column)

In Mothering Magazine Peggy O’ Mara* shared her ideas on how to go about reversing authoritarian parenting, based on spanking and punishment, and turning it into cooperative parenting, based on loving guidance and good communication.

She says that while spanking our children produces short-term obedience, it also creates long-term negative consequences on their character and behavior. For example, your smaller child might start hitting you or others when he doesn’t get what he wants because he has learned this behavior from watching his mother spank the older children when they disobey.

Peggy also explains that spanking is often the result of our disappointment in the expected social behavior of our children. You might have spanked your child in the shopping center because she misbehaved; not because you thought she would hurt herself or others, but because her behavior did not meet what you thought society expected. Your concern for your image as a parent took priority over your concern for the welfare of your children. We have to accept that it is often our own attitudes that contribute to the problem, not exclusively the behavior of our children.

Good communication is essential if you want to shift to cooperative parenting. Poor communication blames, accuses, calls names, threatens, commands, lectures, warns, evokes martyrdom, compares or is sarcastic, to name a few. Good communication, on the other hand, revolves around attitudes, beliefs and demeanor. Here are some concrete examples:

• We can describe what we see. I see a glass near the edge of the table.
• We can describe the problem. The kitchen is a mess.
• We can give information. Bikes left out in the rain will rust.
• We can make a statement of appropriate behavior. We do not hit people. (which only works if we don’t do it ourselves).
• We can describe what we feel. When I come home from work, I am tired. I feel sorry for myself when I have to make dinner. It would be so nice to come home to dinner being cooked and to have some help in the kitchen.

In the last example, notice that the situation describes the way the person feels without accusing or blaming. The word “you” does not appear, it is all about “I”. The same statement phrased differently evokes an entirely different reaction: I can’t believe I have to come home so tired and make dinner, too. Why don’t you ever make dinner for me? Why don’t you help me? I have to do everything by myself. In this situation, the listener focuses his attention on defending his own behavior, and the needs of the parent become secondary.

In conclusion, Peggy gives a list of alternatives to punishment. Maybe some of her suggestions can help you too.

• Point out a way to be helpful.
• Express strong disapproval without attacking character.
• Show your child how to make amends.
• Allow your child to experience the consequences of his behavior. (For example, if he throws his teddy bear out the car window, it’s gone.)
• Sympathize with the child but stick to your decision.
• Give specific instructions. Tell what to clean up, not just to “clean up”.
• Be affectionate.
• Overlook differences that do not really matter.
• Don’t do for your children what they can do for themselves.
• Don’t reward inappropriate behavior.
• Acknowledge positive behavior.
• Say “yes” as much as possible.

For more information about cooperative parenting, see www.mothering.com.

*”Instead of Hitting” (Issue 127, November/December 2004)