by Kristan B
(Currents May 1997)

For those of us who have been in Germany for awhile, homesickness becomes such a common thing that we actually seem to get used to it. We long for the American conveniences, television, sports, but most of all family and friends. It only goes without saying that the feeling is mostly mutual for those we have "left behind" at home, mainly our families. But, once babies and children enter the picture, you can just about multiply those homesick pangs by 100, especially when you realize that your children's American grandparents will be virtual strangers unless you make every effort to keep the family unit alive in your child's life. For clarification, when grandparents is used in this article, it means the American set(s) and Oma and Opa refers to the German set(s).

But how? Starting with pregnancy and birth, it is tough to go it alone (and mostly in German!) without your parents/siblings to be there for you in the doctor's office, delivery/waiting room, or simply as hospital visitors to welcome your bundle of joy. The postpartum weeks are hard enough without trying to take a thousand rolls of film, write birth announcernents and send it all off to the United States between feedings and sleepless nights. If you're married to a German, you may be lucky enough to have some help from your Schwiegermutter (mother-in-law), but it usually isn't quite the same as your own kin. It somehow becomes your duty to be the communicator, as you have all the developmental updates and adorable photos to share. Looking back, I wish we had had our computer when our son was born, because E-mail would have been a great way to send out some of the mass mailings (and more economically smart than snail mail!).

If possible, trips home are the easiest way to acquaint your baby with family and friends. But it can be expensive, not to mention harrowing, to make the overseas flight every time you notice a new tooth or when baby starts to smile, laugh, sit, crawl, stand, walk, run, speak, etc. It hurts to know that your family is missing out on all of the firsts, so save some for the trips home. For example, let baby go with long locks until Grandpa can come along for the haircut in the United States. Not only will they be happy to be there for an "event", baby usually gets a certificate at the hairdressers to commemorate the big day. Be sure to take lots of photos of baby together with them, not only for your family, but for baby when back in Germany. If using a video camera, borrow an American one so grandparents can watch on their system (NTSC), and pay to have a copy made into European (PAL) version for your own/Oma/Opa use. Call around to video service or production centers while in the United States, where it is a lot cheaper to convert if you need to (yellow pages will help). Other firsts to include are birthday cake, Santa lap visit, Easter egg hunt, fireworks, Halloween, movie in a theater, amusement park, ice cream cone, cookie baking, etc. Granted, it may not be the first teetering steps, but any extra first can be memorable with the right amount of fanfare. Only grandparents can find joy in shoe shopping on a cranky day, so let them revel in the moments. Just don't be disappointed if baby isn't as enthusiastic as the family... it is bound to happen sometimes!

Even for those visits that seem all too brief (and jet lag for baby is simply driving you nuts), try to bring back part of your family when you return. Choose the best snapshots with baby/grandma, baby/uncle, baby/cousin, baby/aunt, baby/mommy's best friend, and take them to a copy shop. Enlarge to A4 size on a color copier and slide the copies into a plastic sleeve notebook (available at office supply shops). Write the names of relatives and friends on the pages, and then your child has a book of his/her own to look through. You'd be surprised at how quickly they can learn to point out Uncle Erik or Grandma when asked. It helps when the photo shows baby/relative together, as it repeatedly solidifies a connection to the "Loved One." We get out the book when a call comes from overseas, so baby can recognize the face with the voice on the phone. Other tips include:

• You can create a bedtime story using the names of your family members... Grandpa is the big bad wolf with false teeth, your brothers are the three little pigs, baby's cousins are the seven dwarfs...



• Let grandparents be the only ones to buy the Barbies or the Hot Wheels, or let them start a collection for the child and let it grow via post...



• Make a coloring book of family by tracing large photos in black marker and making copies...



• Make up a car game where you see who can point out Grandpa's, Grandma's, Uncle Erik's etc.... car first. The younger kids will recognize colors. As the kids get older, let them try for the make, too. You may be surprised how much they remember.



• "Borrow" personal items from home while there ... let baby wear your brother's baseball cap, Grandma's fake pearls, Grandpa's handkerchief. You may even be able to snag them for the suitcase home!



• Go to a portrait studio (Sears, Wal-Mart) with grandparents while at home. Let them pick up the photos and distribute them to other relatives/friends while beaming with pride! (Bonus: also a lot cheaper than professional portraits done in Germany and saves on postage costs!)

Another way to enjoy some special time with long distance grandparents is to offer vacation time together. Meet for a week at the beach instead of spending it at your parents/relatives home. Then nobody is strapped with being hostess and everyone can chip in with the chores and baby duties... and mom just may get a few hours of sun without having to feed/diaper/entertain the kiddies. When the children are much older, suggest a trip alone with grandparents if both parties are game.

All in all, it isn't easy to live thousands of miles from home. Don't forget to pat yourself on the back for surviving and coping without your American family. Remember that a lot of families that even share the same country don't make the trek to be together that often, as sometimes west/east coast United States seem worlds apart. Just be sure to keep the communication open and keep the family skeletons in the closet until an appropriate time and age. Do the kids really need to hear about that fight you had with your mother at your college graduation, or will they get the wrong ideas and vibes that could damage the already difficult long distance relationship with grandparents? Keep it loving and your children will follow suit.