Manners, Please!

It happens to me every summer when we go to the USA on vacation: the shock that the manners of my children lag far behind those of my American friends and relatives. Does this mean I am a bad mother? Or perhaps, that the German system of social behavior for children is more lax than the American? Or, are my children are just deviant?

Well first of all, I don’t see how this could happen, because I always remind my children to say “please” and “thank you”. I always encourage them to be polite. I always remind them to be quiet in public, to keep their feet off the seats in the bus and to answer questions when asked. What could have possibly gone wrong?

According to Naomi Aldort of the Natural Child Project, I am making several big mistakes. First of all, the only thing constantly telling my children to say “please” and “thank you” teaches them is that it is OK to tell someone else what to say. She points out, that children do not have a natural sense of sincere gratitude and forcing it on them tends to produce negative repercussions rather than the awaited “good manners” parents are hoping for.

Secondly, I have to learn that my children’s manners have nothing to do with my impressing anyone. My priority should be the welfare of my children, not what I think society expects of my children. I have to learn to balance my expectations of good manners with the individual needs of my children and to keep in mind that my children should come first.

Finally, I have to learn that the best way to teach my children good manners is to practice them myself. To teach my children to be grateful, I have to show my children my gratefulness by thanking them for helping me set the table or pick up the toys and to be generous towards them. I can also teach them gratitude by practicing it in my interactions with other adults. Furthermore, I need to show them that I enjoy being grateful and treating people with kindness, and then they will want to aspire to be grateful and kind too.

And what have I learned about the supposedly “good manners” of our American counterparts? Maybe their children have better “manners” than my children, but my children are certainly more authentic and honest in their actions, whether they are socially acceptable or not. My final lesson is to learn to accept my children as they are and not worry so much about what other people think.